Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back

Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.

has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?

toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french

the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off

[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”

Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.

My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.

So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.

Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus

Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄

coach: what are you doing???

me: you said do 50 singles

coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos

me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!

Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.

My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.

I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined

me: so I just check out women all day?

grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that

I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…

My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”

I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’

[traffic stop]

COP: where ya headed?

ME: on my way home

COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*

ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you

Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.

romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”

Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.

Grew big

I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.

My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.

STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business

fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes

me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no

I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.

Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.