ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
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This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Straight people are cancelled
this got me crying😭😭
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
“Cows kill more people than sharks.”
“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime