Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?

Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.

Until you realize you live alone.

Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.

Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.

I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?

DTF (Down time finally)

-mom’s everywhere

My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now

*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*

It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.

I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.

Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea

When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.

I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”

I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.

Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”

Me: Alexa, make me a drink.

Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.

I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.

[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]

That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material

Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off

I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.

A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.

*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*

Be vigilant

“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”

– people with stupid names

My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.

LAUGHING.

When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.

The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.