Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lol

5: mom, are you a grown up?

me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?

5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?

[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ

One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.

And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.

Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder

[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible

I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.

One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”

Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.

A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.

“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.

Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.

(Business)

Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.

Bob: I have a better idea.

I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…

My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”

I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”

If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.

If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge

Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.

o: I want a tail

GENIE: ok

α: longer

GENIE: sure

q: LONGER

GENIE: dude

@: perfect

Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?

Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”

And that was the last time she was invited over.

Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!

things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…

My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!

the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help

In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.

In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.

can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”

Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right

me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow

her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?

*knock at the door*

me: yes

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?