Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
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They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing