Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
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You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
What number SPF blocks people?
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.