Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30

just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.

Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”

You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience

[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]

sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang

smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!

[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss

English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.

584.

Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner

And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?

Drive thru cashier:

Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “

Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”

If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.

Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.

this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*

hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping

me: my parents aren’t home

911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw

Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.

*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy

I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.

A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.

With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?

5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!

Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]

I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.

What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy

There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.

I used the label maker

Schools: Children need consistency and routine

Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie

An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.

“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”

*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*