Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
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I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
United Steaks of America
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem