Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]

20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.

i guess his teacher was really pissed

My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”

everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have

WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?

~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day

[grocery store]

CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident

ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”

CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…

ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”

Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.

Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.

At conference w/ teacher

Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?

Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio

7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio

Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma

7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!

Teacher:

Me: what? That’s how I learned it

#Dadlife

It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.

TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”

barber: your hair is so dry

pavlov: i forgot to condition it

1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.

Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.

My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.

Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.

[watching Joker]

Joker: ha-

me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now

Joker: -ha

Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ

People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.

I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers

…until I’m driving.

“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”

OMG! This is just the middle.

Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.

9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas

Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.

6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?

Me: Uh

6: Nevermind, Siri…

*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*

WE ARET HROUGH

maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*

ROUGH WEATHER

whoa better pack an umbrella

Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.

there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up

1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*

– Freezer Inspector –