me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
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[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
#math
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”
omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?
It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.
The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds