me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
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My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Pretty much. 🤣
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
i actually laughed 😩
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.