Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?

Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.

I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough

2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)

2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)

I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal

The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.

Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me

Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY

Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?

John Smith: …

*praying for world peace*
God:

Mechanic said I blew a seal…

Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?

I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”

Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark

Him: Toast me some bread please?

Me *raising wine glass

Here’s to bread!

Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:

Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.

Thanks,
The rest of us

Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.

Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.

Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.

When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it

HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.

[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!

My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma

If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.

Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.

9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?

Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah

[Call from cell company]

We can give you 15 gigs for $100

Me: Excellent!

*Puts the band back together

I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.

*ignores high blood pressure*

Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA

Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.

Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.

If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.