@ArfMeasures

ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?

DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle

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@clindsaysway

We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.

@djdarrellripley

I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.

*I’ll show myself out*

@PerfectPending

Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?

@BobTheSuit

I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.

@Izianikapani

Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.

@tjcirimele

*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*

@lazerdoov

Me with a mouth full of chips: Oh man my gym is closed