ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
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“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick