Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Introducing ManBat
A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
