Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: here? with you?
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
