Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
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I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
From Facebook just now…
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.