Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
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My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Punctuation Matters. Period.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Real bees work best
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes