Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom

NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”

Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received

If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.

Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”

My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.

I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?

I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.

I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids

“No!”

-An A to Z guide to parenting.

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.

Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen

I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.

I call it my jingle bell rock.

First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.

if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could

The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….

….idiot….

Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.

[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK

Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.

Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME

And I laughed so hard I cried

So yeah! I’m great at dating

Owl Sanctuary

Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!

Love Mom XO

My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.

The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.

I have also decided to not buy Twitter.

ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this

[invention of spaghetti]

Inventor: i made them very long

Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?

Inventor: lol no why