Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[date]

HER: I absolutely love Star Wars

ME: Oh me too

HER: What’s your favorite part?

ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war

I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.

[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy

At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?

There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.

Delicious meat.

the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example

so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not

I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.

*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*

Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.

Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.

If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale

I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed

*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”

Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.

my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed

driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened

she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face

I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.

*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*

if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito

One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi

No you didn’t, 9 year old lol

I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.

Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.

Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?

Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.

Guantanamo Bae

I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.

*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!

While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.