Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..

My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.

I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.

Well, this is awkward

*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”

Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything

Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.

[trapped inside a volcano]

Me:

Toddler:

Me:

Toddler: Be Careful…

Me: *sigh*

Toddler: The floor is lava…

greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history

me: that guy is half drunk

Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him

I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears

[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*

My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.

having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse

[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”

-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.

“Ok, same difference.”

*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.

So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…

This cat looks like Wilford Brimley

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned

Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent

She said she liked it doggy style…

…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.

There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.

Them: What year is your car?

Me: It’s brown.

Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.

[In Bar]

Friend: Your fly is down

Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce

*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*

9: What did that message on the TV say

Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen

9: How do they know what size TV we have?

I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.

Crush: what u up to

Me: about to take a shower and listen to music

Crush: nice, what kind

Me: *nervously* one with water