Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
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RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”