Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
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[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
X-tra spooky blend
