Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.

Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet

If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.

[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken

GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet

the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes

Always.

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Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying

I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.

every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense

[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.

Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.

Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.

“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”

[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]

The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.

[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?

I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.

Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?

5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.

Apparently she learned bribery.

Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer

My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong

Boss – can you pass a piss test?

Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?

Knock Knock

Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.

(doing standup routine)

Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!

Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!

*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.

[cocktail party]

BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?

ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.