Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
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Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.