Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.

Hell hath no fury like a woman.

Oh? That’s not the entire expression?

date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no

I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦

Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave

If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.

I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.

me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

me: *swallows another quarter* no

Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]

Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING

Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.

doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet

patient: well what does it actually say

doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh

Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…

Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?

Nephew: It matches your face!

Me: 😳😳

I will punch you in the face.

OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.

Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.

For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice

My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”

Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.

Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.

I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.

People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.

I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.

I’ll be back in 5 min.

I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.

playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”

My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”

I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.

Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.

Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.

[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”

The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey

Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom

-Jurassic period Grindr

[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over

Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes