Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.

DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text

DOG FRIEND: which color heart?

DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one

DOG FRIEND: omg

“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”

~ Not an old Irish proverb

Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.

[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..

HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?

Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.

I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.

Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.

Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.

Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office

Satan: yeah, welcome to hell

Me: well, I guess it could be worse

Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?

Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.

When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”

What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash

[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?

“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”

* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox

took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time

If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…

You might be dating my wife.

Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine

[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password

Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?

There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.

*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*

Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.

“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.

“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”

At least he biked 12 blocks?

[chamber of commerce]

harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn

The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.

If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.

Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey

This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.

When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.

15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.

Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.