Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious

LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me

The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.

Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”

When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot

Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.

If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”

That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive

The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.

some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me

My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.

[bedroom]

Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished

Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*

Me: no please I forgot the safe word

Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger

I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.

Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?

Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*

There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle

Surely it must be just Zealand by now.

She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.

Me: I’m pretty brave.

Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.

Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.

A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.

Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?

Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.

coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator

Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”

Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.

A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.

[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol

I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.

#FunnyLife Insects

‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?

I need a headline like this