ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?

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BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.


When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”


hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER


I woke up because of birds chirping.nI wish I had wings too.nI would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one. n6 am is too early.


I’m not gonna let something like a restraining order get in the way of a love as special and unique as ours.

Shhhhh. Stop crying.


i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.


Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve

Eve: it’s tomorrow

Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve


I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”


Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”