ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
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Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!