ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
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TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Passwords are more important than ever.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Only short people can save us
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.