Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday

I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.

ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”

SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*

ME [shaking] omg that’s him!

When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?

I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!

*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*

getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.

I just died 😂😂😂😂😂

Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?

Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?

TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)

Therapist: Go on

TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!

You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.

[parking garage]

FBI: got the file?

Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]

FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing

Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*

My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3

If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.

Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.

Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.

drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.

Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead

hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button

billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire

smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good

Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.

me: hit me, daddy

poker dealer: don’t call me that

Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever

every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences

If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home

The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble

Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.

If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.

It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.