Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.

*enters contest*

Contest: “Wrong hole.”

Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids

Oh no 😂😂💔😭

4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”

Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.

When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.

I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.

Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.

friend: can i tell you something

me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis

My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.

Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?

Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying

Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?

Me: Here Cap.

Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?

My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats

doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!

nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet

Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.

2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist

Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.

Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.

Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.

[getting cremated]

Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.

New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.

Me: want some advice?

New dad: please!

Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.

New dad: okay.

Me: step 2 drink it all.

*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*

The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.

2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad

I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair

Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??

*drinks Grey Goose

*adds bird fanatic to the resume

I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”