Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.

[road trip]

Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!

Kid: but

Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND

I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower

i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses

Daughter: are ghosts real?

Me: no.

Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.

Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.

This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today

i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore

I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

Revenge served cold

WHAT DO WE WANT?

RACE CAR NOISES!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??

NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information

me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce

Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine

Me: That took guts, LOL

Patient: Who is that guy?

Surgeon: I thought you knew him

Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.

My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano

[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven

My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.

Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.

my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.

Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse

Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual

WebMD: *Blocked

I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.

I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.

I must’ve been sleep wokking again.

Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.

Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!

Me: No, that’s just God crying.

*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*

Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit

Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.

I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.