Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car

[first day as a server]

guy: “can i order something off-menu?”

me: “well, that is how menus work sir”

Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”

This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.

I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.

The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea

Legend of Tarzan 2:

Tarzan meets other primates.

He befriends them all.

He teaches them to fight.

It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.

Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL

Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*

“How much to hire a church singing group?”

“You mean a choir?”

“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”

ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty

I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.

Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..

Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!

ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?

HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.

[after first date]

Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again

Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people

a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.

Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.

with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”

im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus

I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.

I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.

When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.

I can’t stop watching this.

LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.

DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?

There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.

Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore

BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT

Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job

When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*

The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”