Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.

Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.

If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions

The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed

Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.

After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.

I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good

Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.

“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.

Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks

You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are

Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.

I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.

I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.

Me too, bag. Me too….

I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.

[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2

Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job

Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.

normalize having existential bread

“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”

Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.

[Funeral]

Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”

Widow: “Please do”

Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”

Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”

10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?

Me: I sure did.

10: Did you have electricity?

We learned by candlelight.

My nickname in high school was “who?”

[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney