Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]

“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice

[Argument at family dinner]

Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.

Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.

Costco workers just authorized a nationwide strike, which makes sense because collective action is basically just buying justice in bulk

4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.

*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.

Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.

*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*

If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.

this article brought to you by lions

they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn

Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.

Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars

Me: Send me pics

Girl: What you wanna see 😉

Me: Spiderman

Girl: What ?

Me:

*carrying dog*

Clerk: no pets allowed

Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.

C: You tried that last week.

M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!

my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot

I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts

[first time skydiving]

Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*

Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet

weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel

To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.

[starbucks]

One tall iced latte please

“Ok, can I have a name?”

Well ok but it really should come from your parents

Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football

[garden of Eden]

Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled

Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake

People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.

An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.

I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”

Me: One coffee please.

Barista: Name for the cup?

Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.

Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.