Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i don’t know what to order

waiter: the chef’s special?

me: I’m sure he is

My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.

It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.

I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?

My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.

Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*

“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.

No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.

ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice

HER: do you mind?!

ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*

Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

[first day as producer]

superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME

me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*

WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?

ME: u said to groom him

WIFE: i meant brush

ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off

DOG: this is bullshit

*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”

Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂

When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence

We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated

Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.

Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?

Me:…I rap a lot less.

Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.

9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.

Me: That’s every culture son.

“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.

wife: did you vacuum under the couch

me: yep I did the whole basement

Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”

My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”

For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.

Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.

Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes

Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes

Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!

#hooters

I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”

If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.