Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
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Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Told my twins at their basketball game to slay and don’t be beta skibidi and it felt like a dream to embarrass two kids at once.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Found my door mat
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.