Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.

My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.

I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar

There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention

I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.

I named him Gasper.

Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.

My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger

white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.

me: that doesn’t make any-

woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.

I just checked Web MD and I have everything

“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”

in 3 months

doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week

me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one

Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.

Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once

waiter: any allergies i should know about?

me: uh, peanuts?

waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.

I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.

neighborhood watch

I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.

closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad

It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.

Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.

Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.

Worm: What is it?

Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”

i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try

She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.

Me: Hi.

Girl: No.

Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds

Friend: That just means it’s settling

My fiancee: *creaky sounds*

I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down

I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.

One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.

When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.