Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
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Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
The cashier just checked me out.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
These 3D printers are insane!
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Found the job I’m suited for
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?