Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
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Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Friend: any plans for the fall?
Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
They’re not wrong
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
My life in a nutshell
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.