Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”

[writing my first autopsy report]

There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy

The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.

[in the bedroom]

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: whoops my bad

HER: and in my eye

ME: sorry I can’t control it

HER: have you ever painted before

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?

going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything

You call the carnival ride dangerous.

I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”

I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.

Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?

Me: *slides tampons across counter*

Cashier: Nevermind…

A group of owls is called a flight of stares.

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!

Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.

me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!

soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”

me: what, like table salt?

soldier: ? why do you call it that

me:

soldier: Why do you call it that.

Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.

HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?

ME: Your guess is as good as mine

I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans

M: Ok I take that back

Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.

He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.

“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”

– idiots

[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff

I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster

Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.

Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on

titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee

[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”