Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.

[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID

Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213

BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.

WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”

When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.

Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there

ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit

it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes

Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.

Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.

Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.

DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.

ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.

DOCTOR: I meant-

ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.

1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.

Me: Ahh finally, some sleep

My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?

Me: Goddamnit

I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.

Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.

Twitter is an abusement park.

me:

british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,

Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES

When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.

[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”

Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.

[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there

lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”

Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”

I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon

Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.

This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.

— Dogs

[from the bottom of a lake]

I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.

According to my bank account, I’m Rich!

Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.

[1800s]

Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise

Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought