Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.

My mother’s scale of concern:

1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.

2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.

Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh Manatee

Scientists start rage screaming

TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUG

QUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME

THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-

Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.

6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.

Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.

When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.

Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?

It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?

Gift wrap? Why not!

There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things

Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?

God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.

Unicorn: I guess you’re right.

[Narwhal swims by]

Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?

God:

Unicorn:

God: technically that’s a tooth.

When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.

Neither of us has slept in 16 years.

Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?

I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.

There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?

What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?

Impeccable.

I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*

judge: are you the defendant?

me: haha yup, guilty as charged

my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*

me: um whats the policy on take backs here

Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred

The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:

1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween

*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*

Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.

Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie

I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I can’t get the cork off my dinner.

doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news

me: omg, me too

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

Nomnomnomnom

[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him

Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.

Peter: *harpoons a guy*

Jesus: Too literal, bro.

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..

Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..