Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.

One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic

Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.

My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters

ㅤ

My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”

Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.

genie: you have three wishes

me: make firemen ugly

genie: you got it

me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well

genie: ok

me: take the big ladder off their truck

genie: dude what’s your problem

dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months

You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun

“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”

Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all

Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?

*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions

Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂

When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.

The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding

My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.

me: orders ice cream from grubhub

driver: makes 12 stops before my house

ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
　 O
　 　 　 O
　　 　　 o
　　　　　o
　　　　　 o
　　　　　o
　　　　 。
　　　 。
　　　.
　　　.
　　　 .
　　　　.
.

Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”

Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?

Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-

Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!

Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.

[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?

I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.

Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”

Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.

Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.

If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.

Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.

6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!

13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.

33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.