Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
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I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house
me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
