Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.

[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted

Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.

Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?

I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings

Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking

My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?

8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion

Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.

applying for a new job

Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.

*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*

I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.

4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.

How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic

taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.

Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.

I have no time for stupid people

But they sure do have time for me.

[boarding a plane]

me: I’m nervous

steward: oh why?

me: *leans in for kiss*

The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.

It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar

It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house

The difference is staggering

“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper

me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving

my kids: are ALL the presents for you

me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them

Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?

Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.

My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee

friend: look how big my new plant is getting!

me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has

Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.

And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so

Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.

[taking immortality pills]

wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand