Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
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Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Ad placement of the day
#ooh
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.