Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt

“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”

You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in

Beatles were all like “We love women.”

Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”

Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life

I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.

Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.

On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.

Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?

People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.

I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.

Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.

*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*

All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?

Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.

(invention of the crib)

put that baby in jail

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.

Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”

Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing

My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.

I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”

Why is my purse so heavy?

*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit

Therapy: Expensive

saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free

My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.

#WorldWaterDay

Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder

My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”

Me: “Poverty.”

home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving

Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.

Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*