Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out

Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.

Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome

Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.

[date]

“don’t let her know ur from twitter”

Her: whats wrong?

Me: This fork only has 3 prongs

Her: So?

Me: it should be called a threek

the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”

Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?

never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.

i know this now.

“Awkward silences are the worst”

*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*

Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”

“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”

If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…

The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.

My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.

Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks

Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am

A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me

[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave

my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met

You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.

I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.

If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.

Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.

Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?

wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home

Me and my siblings:

Me: Can I get a sick note?

Doctor: Here u go.

Me:

Note: *coughs*

Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.

nobody

literally nobody

my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself