ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
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[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Cashier: “Have a great day!”
Me: “No thank you.”
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!
[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes