Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.

Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.

Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.

SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.

ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.

why is covid-19 trending does anyone know

A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away

At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.

Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?

Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer

3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?

Me: What? I don’t know

3: Dadda get up, go find it

Me: …..

3: …..

Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?

3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!

I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.

Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind

Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends

Me: Sex?

Wife: Sure.

Me: Really? Just like that?

Wife: Yep.

Me: …never mind.

I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.

Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.

I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.

Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours

Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.

My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.

I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.

My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.

Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.

12yo: Download it from the app store

Me:

Husband:

12yo:

Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.

I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.

Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…

so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.

Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service

Batman: Your carrier sucks

Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?

Batman: Bat Mobile

Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.

9yo: Who took my hair tie?

Me: I didn’t.

9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.

Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.

me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets

insomnia: me either

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.