Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
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I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
In Canada they just call them geese
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.