Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
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wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
We don’t deserve birds.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”