Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
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Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
he chose this
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not