Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday

All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…

Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.

Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.

I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t

I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.

My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids

*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*

Kid: But that means-

*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*

has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?

Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”

Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”

If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true

I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.

I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.

Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you

Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T

16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds

He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.

I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.

I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.

me: I’m looking for my wife

cop: can you describe her

me: she’s strong, independent..

cop: but what does she look like?

me: that’s not important

cop: it kinda is

“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things

Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture

Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*

Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget

I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.

National Margarita Day is like any other day except…

“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”

*passes out*

[first day in the Mafia]

Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked

Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?

Me: oh no

Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull

After 35, your body ages in dog years

I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment