me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
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[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Remember, when a package says “sharing size”, that’s just a guideline. They have no enforcement mechanism
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
The Onion called it…again.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
🙂🙃🥹
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY