Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
You Might Also Like
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”