Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”

[first day in a hair band]

Singer: you’re bald

Me: yes, I lied on my resume

Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder

Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!

Me in December: Son of a b****

5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop

[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.

“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.

“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”

~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”

ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*

CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?

ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month

i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work

I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir

Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*

Me, studied abroad:

Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona

Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-

I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.

I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.

Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….

If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !

If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”

Mugger: Give me everything you got

Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia

Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen

Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan

Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.

*pronounces bondage like corsage.

Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”

If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?

Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.

[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien

“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher

I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.

Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?

I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer

Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag