Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore

Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.

Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.

hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car

I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.

My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

[watching #diving]

ME: Huge splash! Nice!

ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.

ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus

Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”

Is it the “S” or the “C?”

I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting

doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on

Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.

Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.

Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?

My teen: Circling?

Ask a stupid math question

Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha

GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations

MOSES: no way

GOD: yahweh

MOSES: ok so what is it

Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.

Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?

I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then

I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.

I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”

What a weirdo.

boss: can you fit me into your schedule

me: schMEdule

My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.

Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.

I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.

The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.

I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.

This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.

I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.