Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 calling birds sounds like a nightmare, I don’t want phone calls from 1 bird, much less 4.

If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”

*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*

[text from wife at home]

“Pick that up.”

waiter: can i show you to the table

me: sure

waiter: here he is

table: [unimpressed noises]

Me: promise you won’t show anyone?

Him: promise

*sends pics

H: that’s pics of fruit snacks

M: you said you wanted pics of my goods

*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*

bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong

Opened my notes app and instead of finding MY notes, which I’ve saved on each iPhone I’ve had since 2017, I found SOMEONE ELSE’S NOTES.

These mystery notes include three local numbers, a password, and a SSN… Among less savory things.

BUT WHERE IS MY FINNISH NISSU BREAD RECIPE

I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment

if i say “morning!” to you it does not mean “good morning” i am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide

Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.

The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.

The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.

What do you call a man with no car???

…an Uber.

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂

i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?

The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems

*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*

[heist]

Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe

Thief: well?

Me: omg…

[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]

Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.

Villian: one false move and you’re history

Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you

I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..

I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him

So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.

No laws when master is gone

I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself

Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.