Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.

Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”

Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.

*quietly adjusts thermostat*

my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?

*has hiccups for 30 seconds*

MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT

My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week

Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles

Cat 911: What’s your emergency?

Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!

Cat 911: Seriously?

Cat: No, LOL!

Cat 911: LOL!

Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.

Husband: It just happened.

Me: But it was in the past.

Husband: It was five minutes ago.

Me: In. The. Past.

Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks

Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.

Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?

If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.

My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”

Yes, I had to google that.

Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.

the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air

I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.

Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.

[Me in a horror movie]

*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*

(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)

Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?

Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?

Please don’t feed the Kardashians.

I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.

Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.

Dear Mom & Dad,

Remember that one night in my teens when I stood in the kitchen denying I was drunk, all while slurring, swaying & peeing on the floor? Well, I still resent the accusation.

Love,
The best daughter ever

First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.

The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.

Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide

People: lol nah

Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.

me: our first night as man and wife

bride: you know what that means 😉

me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this

bride: what

me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel

spouse: why

me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage