Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart

Self checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait

Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?

What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.

Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.

Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.

The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.

I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns

The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.

to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here

Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross

Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”

A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed

God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!

“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”

My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat

*Takes one earbud out*

*Hears kids fighting*

*Puts earbud back in*

I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.

KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁

Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?

Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes

Therapist: So around what, five?

Me: Seven this morning

I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.

Mmmm. Shoeshi

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”

My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.

I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.

[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R

[my first day as a mechanic]

customer: i need an oil change

me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change

One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.

Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.