I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
File under excellent bookstore names.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
you stereotypes are all alike
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday