Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude

interviewer: describe your hero

me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room

Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”

I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove

Remember to recycle your pizza boxes

It’s for the Greta good

We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂

If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”

[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding

Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

“I know exactly how you feel.”

*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman

that’s just… not what monogamy means??

*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N

A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…

Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.

Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.

Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤

My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.

RoboCop: *about to arrest me*

Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them

RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning

*Shakes wife awake

“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”

Wife:Omg kill Hitler!

“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”

Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.

Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.

My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.

I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.

[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there

What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat

What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!

2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.

2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.

I like my coffee like I like my women.

Not banging my friends.

4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out

Not how I expected him to come back but okay.

Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe