Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
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The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
When ur friends with white people
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
God tier horse name today on the sims