Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: why, what have you heard?

you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?

I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.

[1st date]

HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency

HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing

How my city treated us singles yesterday😮‍💨😩

I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!

Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.

Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

bird to holiday ratio:

thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.

Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart

Me: it’s pandamonium!

Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]

‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’

~me as a 29-yr old.

my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?

my husband and i: ………👀

6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?

*synchronized sigh of relief*

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.

if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day

Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”

It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??

Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat

Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?

Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!

*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*

“Great job, sweetie!”

Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi

I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.

COPS: We know you killed him

ME: I didn’t do it!

COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*

ME: wait no

MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS

I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”

Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.

[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?

“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*

“It was me. I shit on the rug”

I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.