Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean

Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave

Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO

I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.

me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point

waitress: oh thank god!

“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied

[Ouija board]

O spirits, let me talk to m-

C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I

*squints*

What the heck?

A 3G board?

There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.

a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin

In high stakes spycraft, no one suspects the clumsy woman. They call me The Black Oops.

Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble

– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.

Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.

Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge

Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.

*5 minutes later*

Okay I’m gonna need that back

My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?

Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.

My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.

“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend

saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her

DON’T STOP BELIEVING!

…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time

Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.

I just want the sandwich he’s eating.

Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.

Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?

Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.

Brain: that was a good cookie

Body: here’s 4 pounds

Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.

Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.

Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.

One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.