ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
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Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.