ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
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*feels the wind in my toe hair
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants![]()
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.