Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Deadpool was Green Lantern

Batman was Daredevil

Captain America was Human Torch

And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???

It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST

him: oh sorry I thought you worked here

me, in line at a haunted house: WOW

[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”

To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.

[first day as magician]

Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning

I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now

The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.

If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.

ME: So how fast are you at making suits?

TAYLOR SWIFT: …

I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.

God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago

Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha

God *creates salt*

[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK

the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”

[boss’s office]

I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?

“No, sir”

I like your style, Murray.

Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.

Classified ad:

Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.

They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.

Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.

[at a fire sale]

Me: one fire, please

Her: You like shopping?

Me: Oh god yes!

Her: What’s your favorite place?

Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”

this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what

Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressing

Saying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper

Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*

5 year old: No it isn’t

Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.

Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.

Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.

Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.

Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.