Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.

When exactly does the strong part kick in?

(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?

My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.

*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face

Now it looks like me.

Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”

*later at the abandoned mine*

Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”

it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects

STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?

you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.

[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.

i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed

I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.

[spelling bee]

your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’

“can you use it in a sentence?”

yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’

In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position

You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?

Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.

[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R

Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.

Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?

[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?

“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*

“It was me. I shit on the rug”

Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.

Things my dating coach and I are working on:

– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot

just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀

I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB

I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”

Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.

2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah

I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!

I’M STARVING!

-Me, on a Tuesday

Person: My name is Mora.”

Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”

*Door behind her unlocks*

My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night

Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick

Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?

Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?