Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like to speak to America’s manager.

I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.

the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there

Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter

To whom it may concern,

My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.

Many thanks

If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv

[first date]

*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*

“Would you like a mint?”

*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*

“Dammit”

Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.

*acts sassy*

*flips hair*

*walks into a wall*

If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”

Me: *being patted down* I can explain

Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening

Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?

My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy

one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through

Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.

Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.

migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field

Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.

Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me

Prince Charming: check out the babe

Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead

Prince Charming: I should kiss her

Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?

Prince Charming: bring her what now?

Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more

My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.

As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”

“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”

“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”

Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.

A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.

The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord

Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?

Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target

*First Date*

Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL

Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.

at ease…shoulder.

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.