Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]

“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”

*covers it with towel*

“ok now it’s safe”

“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”

I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.

i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective

COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free

Me: Nothing is set in stone.

Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.

I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.

What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed

Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.

People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks

Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?

Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.

That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.

Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning

Me: Why

I no longer need Google.

I have a 22 year old in college.

i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn

[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]

“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”

~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion

The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.

My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse

It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.

Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?

My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…

if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.

When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.

Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.

Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.

83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.

Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen