Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

podcasts

me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes

Hey Fun Fact:

Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work

This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:

Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!

My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!

ME: my contract says I can work from home

BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine

My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.

interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing

Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “

How to walk around a museum

whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro

We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this

Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.

Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great

i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time

[out in public]

12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?

me: [showing him he’s wrong]

12: now you look like an idiot

me: i hate kids man.

“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”

i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth*

*pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet

Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.

I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.

I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”

“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.

drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.

*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*

My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.

My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old

“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”

1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?

4.25pm: Yes, of course.

When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too

I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.

That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.

Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around